Constant Pain

     Life doesn't seem fair sometimes. Actually, most of the time. It's really hard to go through things sometimes. Even when you know that in the end, it will make you a better person or will change you for the good. It's hard to deal with things that cause you pain. I feel like it's so much harder when it's a constant pain, something you face all the time. 

     My biological father contacted me trough Facebook a few weeks ago. I don't know or even understand how he found me. My name changed when I was adopted. He hasn't been in my life since I was 3. I might have seen him a few times over the years but it wasn't even worth remembering. The very last time that I saw him I was 14. It was right before his and my moms parental rights were terminated. 
     My brother and I were sitting in the DHS office (Department of Human Services). He had to be there to see our case worker about something, Im not really sure about what. At the time I was very angry that he was there. He knew that my mom was about to lose her rights. He was trying to get custody of us. My brother and I were asked if we'd like to live with him. We both said no. I would have rather stayed in foster care then live with him. I made that decision at 14. Honestly It's not fair for a kid that age to decided their future like that. But I'm so glad that I had the chance to. I would never wish to go back and change anything. I'm very happy with the decision I made. I made the right one. 
     The memories I have of my father are not nice ones. I don't remember any of them being happy. I was very little when we were with him. But I remember so much. I'm not stupid or naive about any of it. You can't tell me that the things that happened didn't happen. I remember it clearly. 
      The conversation on Facebook made me so angry. He didn't apologize for anything or for not being there. He only pointed put that he had done nothing wrong. And that I would need to talk to my mom if I wanted to find out the real truth. He was just so mean about everything. He wanted me to call him. In a very nice way I told him that I wasn't very comfortable with that right now. He wouldn't except that. He asked "What would Jesus do in a situation like this?" and then he said "You should be more like Jesus and turn the other cheek". I can't find words to explain how mad I was after that statement. Like really? He doesn't know me. He doesn't know how like or unlike Jesus I am.  
      I have such a good judge in charter. Even if I didn't know about the things that happened, I can tell rather or not I want you in my life just by your charter. He wants me to allow him to be apart of my life. Honestly, I don't want him in my life. I kind of feel bad about that. But he hasn't been in my life or showed any interest in wanting to be in my life. With all that has happened and all of the feelings I've had over the years, I've been working so hard on forgiving him. I don't want a constant reminder about that stuff. I don't want new thing to have to forgive. I had some very serious time with God after this. I know that I have to deal with this. The hurt I have from everything. I want to feel free from all of it. I don't feel like I'm quit there yet. Not to have a relationship with him. 

Forgiveness

  Forgiveness is something thats hard to hold on to. It's hard when you forget that your no longer mad. Or when you hear their name. All those feelings come rushing back. And for a moment your incredibly mad and hurt all over again. 

 About six months ago, somethings, some very hurtful things were said to me from my best friend.  (I'm not going to elaborate very much on anything) This person was my closest friend. I love and care about him. We agreed that it would probably be better if we weren't so close anymore. He was dating a girl who didn't like that we were friends. He wanted her and I to be friends but because of the situation I felt that we couldn't be friends. As a result of me expressing my feelings about this, there were things said, out of anger, towards myself. It hurt and cut deep. I knew why those things were said and I knew they weren't meant. However, it didn't change how they made me feel. I decided to forgive it that moment because I knew he didn't mean it. Over the last six months I would forget that I had forgiven him. We have a lot of mutual friends so anytime his name would be brought up I would get mad an hurt all over again....

  

We had a much overdo talk last night. We said our apologies. A few minutes later, I was alone. I broken in tears. I've been caring around this hurt for the last six months, that I didn't want but couldn't seem to get rid of. This constant nagging that I'm not good enough.... It's been bringing doubt and insecurities into my life. It's made me feel like I need conformation. That I'm actually like and cared about. That I matter and that I'm important. But mostly that I'm needed. I feel like I need to be needed. The worst thing for me to hear is "I don't need you." It cuts deeper than anything else. In our talk he said he was sorry and that he did care about me. I knew he did, I just needed to hear it. I needed conformation. 

  I'm thankful that theres forgiveness. That through God, bitterness goes away and that He heals pain. 

Theres not a day that goes by where I don’t think about you or miss your smile. If only you weren’t so far away. If only our paths could cross again, and in that, we could be together. I’m counting the days until I can see those blue eyes again.

Dream of You

As I drift off to sleep, I can’t help but to think of you. Your smile so unforgettable, I can see it in my dreams. Your laughter and the look in your eyes. It makes my heart fluter. How could I ever be apart from you? 

We walk hand in hand and I see us grow old together. Our hair changing. Our youth fading. But your smile stays the same. Your heart never shifts. 

As I wake, I remember your gone. I remember that we can’t be together. I remember that I’ll never hear your laughter or your whispers in my ear. I cry in hopes that maybe I’ll dream of you tonight. 

There are things I want in my life and sometimes I feel like the sooner the better. I understand that God's timing is better... But my own selfish desires get in the way of that sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm ready for the things I want, before I actually am. I was reading a new post in a friends blog today. He made a point about how pretty much everything under the sun gives the illusion of love being a really easy thing. I mean think about all the love stories from movies and books. Now think about real life. Nothing ever is as easy as hollywood makes it seem. Real life is so complicated. 

A thought came to me after reading that blog. I can't be in love until I know who I am, who I truly am. I want that, just like every other person does. But sense I'm still trying to find who I am, I'm not ready for that, no matter how much I want to be. 

You should take a look at my friends post

http://matt-hill.blogspot.com/2011/11/shipwrecks-and-love.html

My Story

I've had a really rough life. People would never guess that about me. Normally people don't really believe it. I've always acted like I've had everything together. Truth is, is that it's not every really been that way on the inside. I would pretend that everything was perfect and good. I didn't want anyone to know. I felt ashamed and unwanted. I felt that people wouldn't except me if they knew where I came from. I was put in foster care along with my brother, Ryan, a month after I turned 12 (he had just turned 10). It tore me apart. It brought so many of my insecurities to a much higher level. I was hurting so bad. But I had to be strong for my brother, who didn't understand. I had to have it together for my Mom, who was falling apart. I couldn't show I was hurting, I couldn't be vulnerable. At 12 years old I came to the understanding that I wasn't loved and I wasn't wanted. 

My brother and I were put into the same foster home for a few days but then I was moved to a different home. Foster homes were only allowed to have 5 kids and since this one already did, I was moved. For 3 months I lived with strangers and I went to school with strangers. I saw my brother at counseling for an hour once a week. And then we had visitation with my mom once a week for about an hour. I was  alone. DHS finally had it okayed for my brothers foster parents to have 6 kids so I was moved back to that home. I was the happiest I had been in a long while. 

I loved My mom very much but looking back I wasn't very close to her. From what I can remember she really wasn't around much. I kind of raised myself. She did the best she could do under the circumstances she put herself in. It wasn't good enough though. She choose to put other things before her children and in that, lost them.

The way the foster care system in arkansas works is that you basically have one year, from the point that the kid is taken, to get your act together before your rights are terminated. This means that you have no guardianship over them. And you are not allowed to have contact with them until they are 18. My brother and I were in foster care for two years before parental rights were terminated. My Mom had two years.

 

I was 14 when I said goodbye to my Mom. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Being taken away from your life, from everything you know, it destroys you. At 14 I said goodbye to that last part of my life. 

My foster parents adopted my brother and I about 6-8 months after our parents rights were terminated. I thank God so much for them. In all honesty they were the best thing to happen. I wouldn't change any of it.  

I didn't grow up with a dad. My father was abusive, so my mom left with my brother and when I was 3. My Mom always had a boyfriend though. Someone who might pick up the dad role for a while but wouldn't stick around. This caused me to not trust guys. That if I did they would just leave. I started to feel like maybe I just wasn't good enough. The last time I saw my father was when I was 14. It was at a court hearing to terminate his parental rights. He didn't say anything to me.... This one thing has affected me more than anything else I think. 

All those years without a dad, I didn't know what it looked like to have one. It caused me to not trust my adopted dad. I completely trust him now but it took years for me to get there. Hearing that God was my father I (not intentionally) connected Him with the lack of a father I had. I connected God to the disappointment in everything. How I felt unloved by my biological father. I didn't trust God at all. And knowing that I was suppose to have a relationship with Him, I wasn't sure if I really wanted to. He allowed me to go through all of that awful stuff and I was hurt by that. 

God worked in my life over the next few years. He worked on my heart. I was 17 when I decided to let go of all the hurt. My view of God started to change. I saw him as a friend and a loving father. I saw that he was there and he cared. My biggest problem is trust. Even though I saw this of God, I still didn't really trust Him. I haven't every really fully pursued, with all of my heart, a relationship with God until the last year and half.

I've feel that God allowed me to go though all that I did, so that I could help children in the same kid of situations. He's given me such a passion for kids. My heart breaks into a million pieces when I see a hurting child. I want to love them. I want to be the person who changes their life. 

live for the "now"

The other night I was stressing out a lot about some things... I cried out to God in frustration. I needed peace and to let go of that feeling. Instantly I felt a whisper in my heart saying "Focus on me and where I've placed you. Focus on the things I have for you now. Those things will come but not now. Learn and grown in me. I am all that you need." 

It's such a simple thing to do. Yet we struggle so much with this. If only we really trusted God. What would life look like if we really relied on Him? If we focused on Him at all times? What if we only worried about what He has for us now and not 5 years from now? What if we gave our all to the now? How do we know we'll make it 'til tomorrow or even 5 years from now? 

James 4:14

 You do not know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

How different things would be if we lived like there was no tomorrow.