Forgiveness is something thats hard to hold on to. It's hard when you forget that your no longer mad. Or when you hear their name. All those feelings come rushing back. And for a moment your incredibly mad and hurt all over again.
About six months ago, somethings, some very hurtful things were said to me from my best friend. (I'm not going to elaborate very much on anything) This person was my closest friend. I love and care about him. We agreed that it would probably be better if we weren't so close anymore. He was dating a girl who didn't like that we were friends. He wanted her and I to be friends but because of the situation I felt that we couldn't be friends. As a result of me expressing my feelings about this, there were things said, out of anger, towards myself. It hurt and cut deep. I knew why those things were said and I knew they weren't meant. However, it didn't change how they made me feel. I decided to forgive it that moment because I knew he didn't mean it. Over the last six months I would forget that I had forgiven him. We have a lot of mutual friends so anytime his name would be brought up I would get mad an hurt all over again....
We had a much overdo talk last night. We said our apologies. A few minutes later, I was alone. I broken in tears. I've been caring around this hurt for the last six months, that I didn't want but couldn't seem to get rid of. This constant nagging that I'm not good enough.... It's been bringing doubt and insecurities into my life. It's made me feel like I need conformation. That I'm actually like and cared about. That I matter and that I'm important. But mostly that I'm needed. I feel like I need to be needed. The worst thing for me to hear is "I don't need you." It cuts deeper than anything else. In our talk he said he was sorry and that he did care about me. I knew he did, I just needed to hear it. I needed conformation.
I'm thankful that theres forgiveness. That through God, bitterness goes away and that He heals pain.
