My Story

I've had a really rough life. People would never guess that about me. Normally people don't really believe it. I've always acted like I've had everything together. Truth is, is that it's not every really been that way on the inside. I would pretend that everything was perfect and good. I didn't want anyone to know. I felt ashamed and unwanted. I felt that people wouldn't except me if they knew where I came from. I was put in foster care along with my brother, Ryan, a month after I turned 12 (he had just turned 10). It tore me apart. It brought so many of my insecurities to a much higher level. I was hurting so bad. But I had to be strong for my brother, who didn't understand. I had to have it together for my Mom, who was falling apart. I couldn't show I was hurting, I couldn't be vulnerable. At 12 years old I came to the understanding that I wasn't loved and I wasn't wanted. 

My brother and I were put into the same foster home for a few days but then I was moved to a different home. Foster homes were only allowed to have 5 kids and since this one already did, I was moved. For 3 months I lived with strangers and I went to school with strangers. I saw my brother at counseling for an hour once a week. And then we had visitation with my mom once a week for about an hour. I was  alone. DHS finally had it okayed for my brothers foster parents to have 6 kids so I was moved back to that home. I was the happiest I had been in a long while. 

I loved My mom very much but looking back I wasn't very close to her. From what I can remember she really wasn't around much. I kind of raised myself. She did the best she could do under the circumstances she put herself in. It wasn't good enough though. She choose to put other things before her children and in that, lost them.

The way the foster care system in arkansas works is that you basically have one year, from the point that the kid is taken, to get your act together before your rights are terminated. This means that you have no guardianship over them. And you are not allowed to have contact with them until they are 18. My brother and I were in foster care for two years before parental rights were terminated. My Mom had two years.

 

I was 14 when I said goodbye to my Mom. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Being taken away from your life, from everything you know, it destroys you. At 14 I said goodbye to that last part of my life. 

My foster parents adopted my brother and I about 6-8 months after our parents rights were terminated. I thank God so much for them. In all honesty they were the best thing to happen. I wouldn't change any of it.  

I didn't grow up with a dad. My father was abusive, so my mom left with my brother and when I was 3. My Mom always had a boyfriend though. Someone who might pick up the dad role for a while but wouldn't stick around. This caused me to not trust guys. That if I did they would just leave. I started to feel like maybe I just wasn't good enough. The last time I saw my father was when I was 14. It was at a court hearing to terminate his parental rights. He didn't say anything to me.... This one thing has affected me more than anything else I think. 

All those years without a dad, I didn't know what it looked like to have one. It caused me to not trust my adopted dad. I completely trust him now but it took years for me to get there. Hearing that God was my father I (not intentionally) connected Him with the lack of a father I had. I connected God to the disappointment in everything. How I felt unloved by my biological father. I didn't trust God at all. And knowing that I was suppose to have a relationship with Him, I wasn't sure if I really wanted to. He allowed me to go through all of that awful stuff and I was hurt by that. 

God worked in my life over the next few years. He worked on my heart. I was 17 when I decided to let go of all the hurt. My view of God started to change. I saw him as a friend and a loving father. I saw that he was there and he cared. My biggest problem is trust. Even though I saw this of God, I still didn't really trust Him. I haven't every really fully pursued, with all of my heart, a relationship with God until the last year and half.

I've feel that God allowed me to go though all that I did, so that I could help children in the same kid of situations. He's given me such a passion for kids. My heart breaks into a million pieces when I see a hurting child. I want to love them. I want to be the person who changes their life. 

live for the "now"

The other night I was stressing out a lot about some things... I cried out to God in frustration. I needed peace and to let go of that feeling. Instantly I felt a whisper in my heart saying "Focus on me and where I've placed you. Focus on the things I have for you now. Those things will come but not now. Learn and grown in me. I am all that you need." 

It's such a simple thing to do. Yet we struggle so much with this. If only we really trusted God. What would life look like if we really relied on Him? If we focused on Him at all times? What if we only worried about what He has for us now and not 5 years from now? What if we gave our all to the now? How do we know we'll make it 'til tomorrow or even 5 years from now? 

James 4:14

 You do not know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

How different things would be if we lived like there was no tomorrow. 

It seems like you don’t fully appreciate someone until they're gone. You don’t realize how much you care about them until they're not there anymore. Through life there's always going to be relationships that don't work out. Friends you lose, boyfriend/girlfriends you break up with, ect.... I've come to realize that sometimes I miss those people very much. Sometimes I feel like I might have made a few mistakes, a few wrong choices. I almost even regret how things ended or worked out. 


There’s a quote that I found once, saying something like. "Some people are in your life for a short period of time and some for a long time. But don't worry about the ones who aren't still there. There’s a reason they didn't make it to your future". Something like that, I can't remember exactly. Anyways, the point is that for whatever reason that they're not, it's meant to be that way. Friends and relationships come and go. And in all honesty, seeming fair or not, thats just life. You have to learn to live with it and to let it go. You can't hold on to someone if it's just not meant to be. 


I'm really not very sad about those people who aren't there anymore. I'm not bitter about the pain I felt at the end of those relationships. They were there for only a season. And I learned a lot from that. Those people taught me a lot of who I am and who I don't want to be.


I'm so happy and excited about the current season in my life. God has blessed me some pretty awesome friends and leaders. I honestly couldn't ask for better. 

Constant Thoughts

So I'm a person who does a lot of thinking. I also do a ton of writing. I have tons and tons of journals that I keep those thoughts in. Looking back at those I've realized that I've changed so much over the years. The things I want are so different. The person I am is different. The things that God has done in my life and in me are incredible.

I thought I might share some of my thoughts with you. 




I'm searching for who I am and who God wants me to be.  And related to this thought. I'm giving you my heart and all that is with in. I'm giving up my dreams. I surrender it all to you. 
I'm a planer. I like for everything to be organized and planed out. Theres things that I want for my life. Over the last year and especially the last few months I've realized that my plans and wants for my life aren't God.  I've had to give all of that up.  Not knowing what that plan is really hard for me. It makes me feel a little lost.


If I let go of who I am then who am I? 
I was reading a book and the author talked about how in order to be the person that God wants us to be we have to give up who we are. It's kind of a really complicated thought. 
In order to be the person I was meant to be I have to give up who I want to be. I have to give up my wants. 


It's really hard to like someone and want to be with them but for whatever reason you cant be... and you hope that maybe there can be something more for the future. 

I don't want to make the mistake of trying to get what I want.

Going back to "I want Gods way for my life". I don't want to forget that. I don't want to rush things before it's time. 

Your always a constant thought. 


Sometimes I'd rather be somewhere else doing something different. (6-28-11)
Sometimes life is hard to deal with. At this time in my life I had a lot of hurt and disappointment going on. I really didn't want to deal with any of it. I just wanted to run way. Even though I'm over that, that thought is still so current in my life. Sometimes I get so frustrated. It seems like things are against me. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to run away.

Only You

God, I lay all of this at your feet and think of only you. I want to remember that you are first and the only thing I need. I want your plan and only what you intend. I don't want to be selfish or rush anything. I only want to be focused on you and where it is that you want me. I want you to be in every part of my life. I'm listening, speak to my heart. 

Waffle House Night

Wow I should have posted this forever ago.

 A few weeks ago a bunch of people and I went to eat at Waffle House after church one night. Our waitress was the coolest person ever! We got there like 5 min before her shift ended but she still had to wait on us. We tried to make things as easy as possible for her. She had such a great attitude and did a wonderful job. I mean she works at Waffle House, its late and a bunch of young people come in right before her shift is over and she has to stay until they're done (those people may want to sit and "marinate").I expected her to not be very nice and just half way do her job. But thats not at all how it was. I had the idea to leave a note for her, telling her how much we appreciated her. 

Some of us decided to go back the next day for lunch and she was there picking up her check. She came over to us with the biggest smile and told us much we had made her night with the note and how considerate we were to her while she was working. It made me feel really good.