My Story

I've had a really rough life. People would never guess that about me. Normally people don't really believe it. I've always acted like I've had everything together. Truth is, is that it's not every really been that way on the inside. I would pretend that everything was perfect and good. I didn't want anyone to know. I felt ashamed and unwanted. I felt that people wouldn't except me if they knew where I came from. I was put in foster care along with my brother, Ryan, a month after I turned 12 (he had just turned 10). It tore me apart. It brought so many of my insecurities to a much higher level. I was hurting so bad. But I had to be strong for my brother, who didn't understand. I had to have it together for my Mom, who was falling apart. I couldn't show I was hurting, I couldn't be vulnerable. At 12 years old I came to the understanding that I wasn't loved and I wasn't wanted. 

My brother and I were put into the same foster home for a few days but then I was moved to a different home. Foster homes were only allowed to have 5 kids and since this one already did, I was moved. For 3 months I lived with strangers and I went to school with strangers. I saw my brother at counseling for an hour once a week. And then we had visitation with my mom once a week for about an hour. I was  alone. DHS finally had it okayed for my brothers foster parents to have 6 kids so I was moved back to that home. I was the happiest I had been in a long while. 

I loved My mom very much but looking back I wasn't very close to her. From what I can remember she really wasn't around much. I kind of raised myself. She did the best she could do under the circumstances she put herself in. It wasn't good enough though. She choose to put other things before her children and in that, lost them.

The way the foster care system in arkansas works is that you basically have one year, from the point that the kid is taken, to get your act together before your rights are terminated. This means that you have no guardianship over them. And you are not allowed to have contact with them until they are 18. My brother and I were in foster care for two years before parental rights were terminated. My Mom had two years.

 

I was 14 when I said goodbye to my Mom. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Being taken away from your life, from everything you know, it destroys you. At 14 I said goodbye to that last part of my life. 

My foster parents adopted my brother and I about 6-8 months after our parents rights were terminated. I thank God so much for them. In all honesty they were the best thing to happen. I wouldn't change any of it.  

I didn't grow up with a dad. My father was abusive, so my mom left with my brother and when I was 3. My Mom always had a boyfriend though. Someone who might pick up the dad role for a while but wouldn't stick around. This caused me to not trust guys. That if I did they would just leave. I started to feel like maybe I just wasn't good enough. The last time I saw my father was when I was 14. It was at a court hearing to terminate his parental rights. He didn't say anything to me.... This one thing has affected me more than anything else I think. 

All those years without a dad, I didn't know what it looked like to have one. It caused me to not trust my adopted dad. I completely trust him now but it took years for me to get there. Hearing that God was my father I (not intentionally) connected Him with the lack of a father I had. I connected God to the disappointment in everything. How I felt unloved by my biological father. I didn't trust God at all. And knowing that I was suppose to have a relationship with Him, I wasn't sure if I really wanted to. He allowed me to go through all of that awful stuff and I was hurt by that. 

God worked in my life over the next few years. He worked on my heart. I was 17 when I decided to let go of all the hurt. My view of God started to change. I saw him as a friend and a loving father. I saw that he was there and he cared. My biggest problem is trust. Even though I saw this of God, I still didn't really trust Him. I haven't every really fully pursued, with all of my heart, a relationship with God until the last year and half.

I've feel that God allowed me to go though all that I did, so that I could help children in the same kid of situations. He's given me such a passion for kids. My heart breaks into a million pieces when I see a hurting child. I want to love them. I want to be the person who changes their life.